Abisola Olowokoniran: Mr Perfect vs Mr Right

Why is it that every time you say you are waiting on the right man, it is assumed you are waiting on Mr Perfect? Does Mr perfect equate Mr Right? Does a man have to be perfect to be right, or does he have to be right to be perfect?

Let me start with the age long saying, ‘no one is perfect as everyone has their flaws.’ He might be perfect to you, doesn’t make him perfect for the next. Most of the time, we chase our own tails, searching for what is unattainable; when we are unable to achieve it, we beat ourselves up, convinced that we are the problem (which is not necessarily always the case).

Imagine you meet a guy you consider perfect, who fits into the image of perfection you had created in your mind. You felt the butterflies and the familiar sensations (tongue tied, feeling of clumsiness and that nervousness that builds up within you) described in romantic movies and novels. Each time you see him, you get the same giddy feeling which causes you to act like a schoolgirl with her school crush. He simply has all the attributes you desire in a man.

To make matters worse, everyone also feels he is perfect for you, just what you need, simply an angel sent down from heaven for you.  Even your usually sceptical friend, who has always been your voice of reason in the past, suddenly starts singing his praises. Your sisters are happy that you have finally found ‘THE ONE’. Your brothers finally accept him as your boyfriend and actually get along well with him; your parents are already calling him ‘their son’. Normally you should be happy and ecstatic, but you just can’t help feeling something is missing. What do you do? Do you stay in the relationship because that is what is expected of you, or do you leave the relationship regardless of what people would say?

In the past you would have been completely sold, but deep down you know it isn’t meant to be; no matter how hard you try something stops you from fully committing. You try to get rid of that pesky tiny voice at the back of your mind, but it just would not go away. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should you ignore the small voice and pray it goes away or should you let such a good catch go, knowing he would be snatched up as soon as possible (girls are not smiling o).

I remember a film I watched on TV, it was about a woman who was engaged to a smart, rich and handsome man. She was happy and planned to spend the rest of her life with him. Then along came a Fireman who was everything her fiancée wasn’t, he was lousy and he lived in a rented apartment on top of a restaurant. At first she detested him because he just wasn’t her type of man.

Then she found herself slowly falling in love with him. She began seeing the flaws in Mr perfect and started seeing those attributes she was unaware she needed in Mr Fireman. She tried to fight against the attraction. To cut the long story short, she was unable to get rid of the feeling of incompleteness and eventually ended up with the Fireman who was her Mr right. That movie had me thinking about how a man that seemed so perfect was actually the wrong one for her.

Have you ever wondered how most people end up in a relationship with people you would never have thought were their ‘type’? They introduce you to their significant order and you are just shocked; but they appear so happy and content. A classic example is a cousin of mine who made it a rule to never date a short guy, as she herself was short (5 foot 1). So every time she was approached by a guy she considered short (as long as he wasn’t 6 feet or close to 6 feet) she would politely end the conversation. She dated a number of tall guys but it all led to dead ends and disappointments. I tried numerous times to advise her to stop dating based on physical attributes, but it always fell on deaf ears.

I hadn’t heard from her in a while as she lived abroad. Then one Friday afternoon I got a call from her stating that she was in town and would love to introduce me to her new boyfriend. According to her relationship was serious and she sounded so excited on the phone. Upon getting to the restaurant the next day, I saw her sitting with a man who I assumed was her boyfriend, so I approached them. As soon as I got close to their table, they stood to greet me and my smile completely dropped from my face and was replaced by sheer shock. The man at the table was only about four inch or so taller (at most) than her and a vast difference to the men she normally dated. While her ex-boyfriends all towered over her like giants, with her heels on, she was the same height (maybe even a tiny bit taller than him).

I quickly regained my composure and shook his hands. After the usual exchange of pleasantries I got to know him, he was such a pleasant person and I could tell he deeply loved my cousin. Judging by the way she smiled and looked at him adoringly I could also tell that she was equally infatuated with him. She was much happier than when she was with any of her previous ex-boyfriends.

She stayed the night in my house, so I expressed my surprise to her and asked how they met and why she decided to give him a chance. To this she laughed and said ‘let’s just say, I stopped believing in Mr perfect and opened my mind to finding a man that was just right for me. It was a very tough decision because I had gotten used to judging a man based on his height, that I would do it subconsciously without even thinking. Yes, my ex-boyfriends had the physical attributes I desired but seemed to lack other more important attributes I needed ‘ she concluded.

Her story is one of the few stories of women looking for Mr perfect with certain traits but ending up with Mr Right with none or a few of those traits. From the examples above and other real life scenarios, at the end of the day it boils down to our first instinct of judging a man based on his physical and material attributes, versus taking the time needed to know the actually person. Each and every one of us women has once in our lifetime fallen for men or the idea of men we considered perfect, but realised somewhere down the road that he is not our Mr Right and that Mr Perfect was only a figment of our imagination.

Photo Credit: Jason Stitt | Dreamstime.com